"You'll Never Be Alone Again"

Song: We Are Your Friends (Bearbot Remix)
Artist: Justice Vs. Ratatat
Album: Bearbot

We went to a RAVE...and this is what happened

Oh wait this is romantic interlude ^^ (>.<)

Happiness, is Morning and Evening, Daytime and Nighttime Too.

"Oh Woe Is Me"

Song: Oh Woe Is Me

Artist: Joan Jett and the Black Hearts

Album: Glorious Results of a Misspent Youth

Really Though from Victoria P on Vimeo.

"Wine For Me, Slow Wine For Me"

Song: Slow Wind
Artist: R. Kelly
Album: TP.3 Reloaded

Notice the Power Tools

Last night at table headquarters we had a little thing we like to call "Wine Down Wednesday." Yes we were fully aware that it was Tuesday, but it just needed to come a day earlier than planned. Yes, it was that serious.

Someone dropped off a bottle of wine as a party favor, and it's been rolling around in the trunk of the 'Rola for a good minute because no one has a corkscrew. I mean c'mon we're in college, we exist in survival mode, if it doesn't cook in the microwave, open with the bottle opener on my keychain, or come out of a vending machine...it's too much effort.

However, this is different, we were going to have WDW come hell or high water. We start banging the bottle on the counter to see if the pressure will pop the cork out. Nope. I ask my friend Kitty, if he has any power tools, so he gets the Black & Decker out and we start going to work on this damn cork. But apparently it's as sturdy as Nikki's Mailbox and refuses to move. So then we decide to get an Allen Wrench, and see if we can use leverage to get it out. Nope.

So we go back to method number two when all of a sudden the cork sinks halfway down, and subsequently splashing me with the fermented grape drink. So then Chyna says "well push it all the way in!!!" So Kitty hands me a knife and I start pushing the cork in. Success!!!! (But I cut my hand)

In true comic style, Kitty's roomate's come out to see what the comotion was, and then proceed to walk to the drawer and pull out a corkscrew. Damn we need our own sitcom.

"Sharp Like The Edge of a Samurai Sword"

Song: Battlecry
Artist: Nujabes
Album: Samurai Champloo




Oh man, I used to watch this every time I came home from practice, like "that's what I wanna look like" my best friend's pretty sick at it actually. That's from 2005 and there's still nothing like it. I could never do it, cause I can't make the faces or yell that loud. (not for me) Sparring was where it's at.

I just wanted to share this.

Untitled (How Does it Feel)

Artist: D'Angelo
Album:VooDoo

A person once wrote to me....

"I charged your fallacies to your head and not your heart."

After re-reading that sentence over 20 times, I knew I was in dangerous waters, I had found someone who just got it, and I was about to be in deep. Time moved on, as it has been proven to do, and I stopped receiving those letters and statements that just reassured me that I had found something good. Other people came and other people went, but I have always remembered that/him. Instead of becoming at peace with the situation, and with a person who understood me, I grew to resent it and him. I let him fade away, with the flawed reasoning that the less present he was in my life, the less pressing my dangerous emotions would be, for anything. Pride pushed him away too, I think that's why people can't "just be friends" pride gets in your way of a healthy friendship.

So, Words of Advice from me:
Don't ever let someone that right for you slip or fade away. They might not be in the particular place you want or expect them to be, but don't ever let them completely fade from your life. I really do believe that God puts certain people in your life for certain reasons, and while you may have met someone under certain circumstances, that doesn't mean that they can't be in your life when those circumstances end.

Ex-Boo's can be great friends,
Old Enemies may not be so bad when you forget what you were mad at them for.
Acquaintances sometimes should stay just that...

Welcome To Heartbreak

'Ye I feel your pain

Artist: Kanye West

Album: 808s and Hearbreak

Yesterday night was the most stressful night of my life. I voluntarily indentured myself into musical slavery for 5 hours, knowing full well that I had a 7-page paper and an equivalently long power point project due.  I get out of Glee Club (indentured servitude) at 10:49, (yes :49 because that's when I look at my phone and went, WHAT THE SHIT!) I missed my friends probate and I hadn't eaten, so I went to Jazzman's dude at the register hooked me up. Thanks to "The moves" and I got a sandwich and a tea. Oh BTW did I tell you that I'm losing my voice, and my vocal performance final is tomorrow. Yeah, lets I'm pshyced for that.

Anyways, so after that I go to my friend Karl Marx's room to study, I end up taking a 3 hour nap in his bed, while he's talking to three different girls on the phone loud as shit. (I see you K. Marx) Then I finally get myself up, (oh it's about 3 o'clock by now) take my ass to to the library and start this 7 page paper. So I'm writing whatever, and Audrey falls a foot and a half to the carpeted floor. I didn't think much of it, because Audrey's made of tough stuff and my computer continued to run. 

Then I try to save my 7 page paper, which I was on page 5 of, and what happens AUDREY CRASHES. Not only does she crash but when she restarts she starts CLICKING. For those of you who don't know, CLICKING IS A VERY BAD THING. I knew the ominous sign was coming too, the Grey Folder of Death. That folder means you just kiss your computer and send it down on to Jesus because there is NOTHING you can do. When this happened I started screaming and cursing loud expletives in the library. Needless to say I was the center of attention, then my friend wanted to be snide and say "Switch to a PC..." Helll no.

So now i'm in the mac store, blogging in front of everyone, but I had to tell y'all ughhh. Thank god all my music is backed up on Mr. Mushnik (My External Harddrive) and all my pictures are on Audrey II my ipod.

 

I need some much  needed R&R tonight.

I See You In My Nightmares

Artist: Kanye West

Album: 808 and Heartbreak

I love being a girl sometimes, you get free things for no reason. The guy at the counter of the Varsity will throw some fries in your meal for free. You get in free at clubs (before 11...), and people are usually looking to buy YOU a drink. I noticed this very unfair advantage at a young age and immediately started putting it to good use. My puppy dog/bat my eyelashes/touch his forearm/and smile routine is so down pat I could do it in my sleep.  Yes I know it's wrong to do, but guys run game, so it equals out. (In my Opinion)

However, I digress. This talent we ladies posses comes back to bite me in the ass at parties. Last night we were out, and all of a sudden I got the craving, and I was not resisting either. (Bad Victoria!) So, you know I ask some girls who are smoking outside if they have a clove or a cigarette, and they give me the stank look, and they're like '...uh no." Whatever, I kept it moving, but I got really desperate because nobody had one and now my mind was fixated on it.I used "the move" like 5 times and was able to get 2 cigarettes and a black, but no clove. At this point I was getting pissed,  cause it was my mission in life to find a clove. Not a cigarette, not a black, a clove. So, I run into a buddy, use "the move" on him, he tells me to go find someone with a green and white hoodie on. (a complete stranger mind you) I find Mr. White and Green hoodie and I use "the move", and I get his clove and his lighter! Success!(/FALIURE!!!)

But you know how Black people are, right after that two scavengers come up, and he's like "Nah Son" But I got it, cause I have "the move's baby, the mooooves" -the last dragon. All in all I used "the move" 7 times last night en route to get a damn clove, that might be classified as doing the most"

Disclaimer: I'm not supporting my addiction, I'm mad as hell that I was smoking last night, and my throat is raw and scratchy. I'm just commenting on the way I went about accessing the contraband.

3 Is A Magic Number

...ugh.

Under the Bridge

Artist: Red Hot Chili Peppers

Album: Blood Sugar Sex Magik

I told y'all this was gonna get personal.

So it is done. My last pack of cigarettes are officially in a dumpster, and in the near future they are making their way to a landfill where they will no longer be accessible to me. Although I haven't touched my pack in about a month and a half, the mindset was still there. At a party or venue where festivities were taking place I would be outside on the porch, outside the house smoking. Even if I were just chillin with Chyna and she had one, I would bum one off of her, because I kept thinking "Oh I'll just give her some from my room," or "I'll just go smoke when I get home anyways." However this mindset was just a crutch for me to make excuses of why not to quit. I mean, that sounds like a lot, but it really wasn't....(<---excuse)

Yes I had them stashed in a drawer, and yes I continually made my lighters hard to find, but I can't really trick myself, I know what I want and I'll do whatever to get it.

But now is the final straw, I can't keep looking over my shoulder wondering if random people are going to see me. I can't keep thinking in my head that I'm only doing this while I'm in college, it's not even an appetite suppressant anymore it's just there.

Most of all, I don't want to be the Aunt that has to take time out from playing with her nephew to go have some "Alone Time" on the back porch. Or I don't want to always coverup how I smell so I don't disappoint my family. Plus, I don't want to die.

So goodbye Marlboro, Camel, and Newport (eww). Your marketing and additives got me hooked. You had me for 4 years, but now I choose Me. 

Criminal

Artist: Fiona Apple

Album: Tidal

Is having trouble waking up, you'd think that with daylight savings time I'd be able to just go. Especially with my behind that "wakes up with the sun," but for some reason My alarms nor my Clock Radio is waking me up! I think it's because every time I hear it, I think it's gonna wake my roommate up and I turn it off really fast, and then I get back in the bed myself.

This is not a good look, because it means I go to class everyday looking like a bum, when I don't have to, and it means that I might, perhaps, possibly skip out on my classes for sleep. I need to go see a doctor because this is just getting to much, when you've got to sleep at 2:30 in the PM for no good reason.

I mean I know I sleep to dram, but come on!

The Party

Artist: Justice

Album: 

So it was DM's birthday today, and he threw a little gathering at Harlem Bar. I originally wasn't going to attend, but The Clique got me dressed up and ready to go. It was a nice little get together, there were some rowdy people, but it was all love. The girls and I got our Sex and the City on, took pictures and coined our new toast. "Maverick!" 

Harlem Bar is a nice little spot, but I'm not gonna lie, it's in the hood. There's a great little spot for a small band or a DJ, and it's loud but quaint. There can be a lot going on, but you and your date can be in your own little world. It's not a place to go if you don't want to be seen because a lot of the waitresses are from the AUC. Actually, one patron and I were talking outside and she said, "I've seen you before on someone's facebook pictures" and she was an '05 Alum. They don't have a wide variety of spirits and the like and even worse my Cosmo was in a PLASTIC martini glass. However they did redeem themselves with BOMB ass shrimp and an amazing dessert. The Sweet Potato Cheesecake, get it, love it, don't eat anything for the rest of the week. This thing is so rich, and so tasty I basically devoured it all. I know I'll come back on date night, or when we hop again.

Honestly, I've been waiting on one of these nights for a while, sip a Cosmo and just be girls, and like Dane Cook says "Fuck Guys." Heh, it was great. The craving did resurface though, in a big way. I don't carry the contraband around with me as a major deterrent, although there are some in my top drawer of my desk. However, when someone has some and willingly gives it to you, and you're already "on" you can't help it. Well I can't help it, and I have no one to just back me up or no one to say no for. I know, I should say no for myself, but honestly I'm not at that point yet, it's such a grey area. I can't stand the guilt though, because it's coming. I know it is.

Florescent Adolescent

Artist: Arctic Monkeys
Album: Favourite Worst Nightmare 

Name.Dates.&.Times.Have.Been.Changed.

Reason: I'm a scared little girl.

God do you ever have that one friend that you just hate? Like seriously you hate her. She's like a drug, she can make you feel so good, but so bad. That's my one friend, sometimes I just love her to death, but other times I want to slap her in the face and keep it movin'. Like today I got my homecoming dress and I was so excited.. (I got it for five dollars) and then I told her, and she was like "bitch why didn't you get me one?" Then last night we were @ a party and I asked her for a certain contriband item and she told me they were in the car so I went to go get them. She stormed out of the party and yelled at me across the parking lot "You could have asked!!!" I thought I did, although indirectly. Mismanagement Fluid was involved though, but I'm just really like....okay that's how you treat your friends?

It bothers me. I hate being disrespected, I hate that she only wants to hang out with me when Chyna's around, I hate how she thinks she's entitled to everything that I have. I hate hate hate it.

I mean, I'm not gonna lie, I do act like the world revolves around me sometimes. But with her it's all the time and you need to worship her, and she gets mad if you don't.

I don't get indignant, I just keep it movin'. Well...In my head I get pretty effin' mad.

Reckless Love

Artist: Alicia Keys

Album: As I Am

So, it's not so much reckless love. It's more complicated, irksome, glorious, and painful love. Sometimes I don't even know if I'm in love, and sometimes I'm just in so deep I could drown in it.

While I was thinking about love, (in of all places: Class) I thought to myself.

Would you give up everything you love, for the one you love?

My first reaction was yes, If I could, I'd drop everything. Then I thought about it, is it beneficial to me? Everything I love, Singing, Partying, Shopping, Dancing, Reading, blah blah blah. Now I know I wouldn't have to give all of these up, but what if? What if someone asked you to give all of that up, so you two could be together?

What would they give up?

Is it Worth it?

I Can't Believe It

Artist: T-Pain

Album: Thr33 Ringz

So it's the first day of school. I love college, wake up at 7:00 to go to my 8:00 then go back to sleep, until my 11:00. Tee-hee. So I haven't written about my ED in a while. You know that's because sometimes it's bipolar side rears it's ugly head, and who wants to write about compulsive overeating. So, ever since the kid and I got into a fight I haven't been eating right, and when I mean not eating right, I mean just eating Salads at meals. However, someone always does something to get me to eat....college is just one big food fest. Someone orders pizza, someone kidnaps me to go to Chili's, and someone force feeds me bourbon chicken. They still think it's because I'm upset about the kid, but I've made a decision to restrict again.

The kid and I got into it because I can't be upfront about my feelings and I was smoking at some party. :0( 2 cigarettes ...that's pretty good for me. I mean usually I would be chain smoking the shit out of..well I don't know something. I don't think he understands that for a smoker, or an Ex-smoker there's something about alcohol that just makes you CRAVE a cigarette. SO FREAKIN BADLY. It's not even a personal choice sometimes you'll just blink and you'll be like how did this [cigarette] get here, and then it progresses into, Where did this pack go, and then the next morning your voice is gone and you look like death. I'm truly sorry that I upset him and everything, but it's a personal choice and I know I need to stop, but I need to do it on my own terms so I'm not salty about it....hrmmm.

Interesting side note, Bubblegum (oh we're back to that again?) IMed me out of the blue yesterday, actually this morning at like 1:00. I think he was high, actually I guarantee it. He was like "I found your present I got you from LA, I wish it was here, so I could deliver it to you." I was like...hmmm you just want to see if you can get it in. Loser. Although, it was nice to know that someone still liked me (or pretends to), since obviously the kid has other feelings at the moment.

(We're on the Just friends tip for a while....gahh I hate that)

No class till eleven...I think I'll take a party nap.

Do you ever think about me?

This summer is by far one of the most boring summers, EVER.

All my friends are gone, have jobs, don't call.

I mean I love having time to myself, and I love working out things for myself....but I mean I need social time. I feel like one of the SIMS who would like cry if they didn't get enough social time. My brain is collapsing with the lack of thoughts I process through it these days. Gah. All I do is play World of Warcraft. Run. Watch Arrested Development, Run, Chill.

My eating disorder is back. (Now let's see how long she resurfaces)

Just a catch-up on everyone, I'm ED-NOS. My eating disorder is not otherwise specified. I have one, that is a mix of Bulima, Compulsive Overeating, and oh I forget the last one...but yes that's what I am. Every couple of months, I won't eat above 300 calories a day, and then all of a sudden I forget to not eat. (Like a Dumbass)

Oh well.

Life After Death...and Taxes

Artist: Relient K

Album: Mhmmm

I chain smoked 3 Cigarettes today, in a span of hmm 15 minutes.

So that's not so bad. It's not as bad as that day last year when I smoked 8 in half an hour. I was doing so well. I stopped smoking when I was drunk, I stopped smoking period. FREAKING 4 MONTHS!  In fact today I was totally sober....

I think I'm trying to grasp on to something that was never really there, and by trying to grab something you'll never catch, your only inflicting pain on yourself. I create fantasies within my head. I'm not going to lie, I was attached....I LIED TO MYSELF.

Never lie to yourself, nothing good will come of it.

Bubble Gum and I were never Bubble Gum and I, no one ever addressed to us as that. So why must I think of us as that.

I never was mutually exclusive with cotton candy, and never made that statement, and had no place to get mad when I was doing my thing and he was doing his.

If I specifically tell you I won't get attached, I can't expect you to know that I'm lying through my fucking teeth.

There's more, but oh well.

Count Me Out

Artist: New Edition
Album: Candy Girl

In bed all day, right now my boredom is growing at an exponential rate, but I know that when I go back to school, I will miss these lazy days.

Newsworthy Events in the Life of Victoria:

•I'm getting my hair done today, which will hopefully help propel me to get off my ass and actually do things with my life.
•I changed the Icons and background on my Macbook because I felt I needed to spice it up a little bit
•Ditto for the layout of my blog, I really wanted to create one of my own but I was too tired, and it was looking kind of morbid
•I leave for Georgia in 3 days, How did the time go by so fast?
•It has been 5 days since my last cigarette!

However the most un-newsworthy event that I choose to reveal...(drumroll please)...I slept with that special person. Well, physically, not in the sexual way. So, nothing happened, we just slept, and to tell you the truth I'm so excited about that. Because from my side, I didn't want anything, I didn't try anything, all I wanted to do was sleep. Now this might seem like boring shit. "You simply slept in the same bed with the person you've been pining over for years. Mazel Tov." But I'm like wicked excited, because this means that I can start getting over us. (Well the mental us, since there was never actually an us) Because I now know that if we were drunk and happened to get paired off, nothing would happen. There's no chance, there's no more room to think. "welll maybe??" No. Close the book! I am Free.

Nikki still doesn't believe me, she says that I will never get over him, and I will always be dumb. I love the words of encouragement my best friend gives me. She's so supportive. (but in the back of my mind I think she's right.)