Heartless

Artist:Kanye West:Album: 808s and Heartbreak

If you were to overhear one of our conversations the subject matter would mostly consist of Music, Boys, School, and the hilarity that occurs in our daily lives. One topic that has been monopolizing most of the conversations that Sam, Jazmine, and I have been having is Love. Yes Love, finally we’ve all experienced it, and we’re all at different phases with love.

Personally, I’ve had my own battle with Love and Affection. Out of my many addictions, Love and Affection are my primary vices. How can that be so? One would never characterize affection as a vice, would they? No, most people wouldn’t, but on one girl’s search for Love I have become consumed by it. I NEED someone to love me, even if it’s for all the wrong reasons, as long as I am loved I can be content with myself. So really, other people determine my self worth. I know how crazy and stupid that sounds, but on some level or another, everyone feels that way.

            This past year, my search for validation through affection has taken a twisted turn. I grew to love someone, and in return I felt loved and cared for. However, after I got everything I wanted, I didn’t know what to do with myself.  I went searching for something new, while all I needed was right in front of me. Well I found what I was looking for, and it did me a world of hurt. I was basically used and thrown away like I was just disposable. 

Well, that did a mind job on me. Unknowingly, my mind and body made a switch and I could no longer connect the dots, between compassion, love, and affection to lust, and other things that come with it.  Ever since, I’ve been unable to connect the feelings that go together so sensibly. I’m disjointed, and while I continue to make these bad decisions with feigned causality, I’m hurting myself tenfold, making it harder to connect these emotions back together.

At this very moment, I’m at odds with Love, and consequently at odds with myself. I’ve buried the feelings of anger, violation, and mis-trust, comfort, safety, and contentment so they don’t consume me anymore. But I don’t know how to deal with them, to equalize them and let them dissipate.  I wish I did, because then maybe the bridge would become clear, and I could connect these emotions and feelings back together. Maybe.

Or Maybe, I’m Broken for Life.